


The Retreat

by OneforAll



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:22:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4306662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneforAll/pseuds/OneforAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very , VERY silly take on Aramis' monastic interlude  at the end of series 2.  It all came out of a daft little sidebar story we concocted where a) Aramis was not doing very well in the not thinking about the comforts of the flesh department (ie lack of Athos) and b) Athos wasn't having any of it and, er, came for his boy! Please read in the spirit in which it was written--which was just to lighten things up a bit in a genre where we all write a lot of Angst!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Retreat

**Author's Note:**

> This was co-written with my friend AllforOne, who is not online yet.

The Retreat

Warning: "Drink deeply before reading!" - Comte De La Fere.

SPECIAL OFFER!

Make Part Time Monking Your Business!

(Or, the 'Aramis' Shortest Retreat Ever)

Report from 'Trip Adviser', as advertised in the Monastic Times, 1630.

Are you a stressed-out soldier?

Are you a Leader of Men?

Are you a Fancier of Men?

Do you need to recharge your spiritual batteries?

Is the air from low Parisian taverns getting you down?

Or do you want to Wash That Man Right Out of Your (long, luxuriant) Hair??

If so, why not take time out to and invest in our Special Package Deals at Tourai?

Set in an idyllic pastoral monastery (for those 'in the know' -where the renowned musketeer Aramis recuperated after the events at the end of series 2)

COMMENTS FROM SATISFIED PATRONS

"The food is unspeakable, quite unlike mine. it offers no competition to me." --H. Blumenthal.

"It was a non-Gasconomic experience for me." -- Comte De Treville of Gascony, Minister for War.

" My new Captain says I am far too virile for all this rot." -- d'Artagnan of the Kings Musketeers.

"I've never been anywhere like it and would not go again but it was very enjoyable in many ways, one of which is illegal in most Mediterranean countries." -- Porthos Du Vallon of the Kings Musketeers.

"It was the shortest of retreats and therefore most acceptable, like the soup. The soup did not provide visions; however as I was already looking on a vision whose beauty is without equal I shall not be applying for a discount."--Olivier, Comte De La Fere (Captain Athos of the Kings Musketeers).

"I would consider returning here for a short stay but my trigger-happy and supreme swordsman Lover has forbidden it." --Aramis of the Kings Musketeers.

FOOD--OUR CHEF'S PROMISE

You will have a choice of regimes on a day-to-day basis.

Options:

* Water

* Bread

* Bread and water

* Soup--weak, strong, barbaric or Visionary

* Cheese--on Sundays, if you last that long

* Meat--on a monthly basis and/or related to performance targets of the Holy Righteousness Society (awaiting Jesuit Society approval)

* Lumpy pate

* Fruity pleasures--not allowed

* Smooth pate--award winning! On special application to the Abbot

SPECIAL DE-TOX AND DE-STRESS PROGRAMMES

including:

* Alcohol De-tox

* Royalty De-tox

* Forgetting Rapacious Lovers De-tox

* Cardinal De-Stress Programme

* First Minister De-Stress Programme

* 'Seven Deadly Sins' De-Tox Special--options include; Jealousy, Anger, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Pride and Sloth (or all seven with a 20% discount!!)

MEGA PURGE

A mix of any of the above options over a two week period.

MEGA BLAST

A mixture of three listed options over seven days

Cures for Sexual Obsessions:

* Sex Addiction

* Sex With The Wrong Person

* Group Sex

* Problems With Rivals (supplement to Group Sex)

LEISURE

* Visit gardens--lose yourself with a lover!

* Greenhouses--for canoodling, illegal substances and other perversions in a warm atmosphere

* Candlelight Vigils--four hour, eight hour,sixteen hours or twenty-four hours

* Massage Parlour--internal/external (with provisos and/or supervisors) ("Highly recommended" --Comte De La Fere)

* Nearest tavern--five mile walk.

TRY OUR SPRING BREAKS SPECIALS!

Or RETREATS AD NAUSEAM--OUR FAMOUS "PENITENCE PACKAGE"!

Comprises:

* Single accommodation with uncomfortable mattress provided, to correct posture, perversions, night-time emissions and self-abuse with/without sex toys, Please state which options apply.

DISCRETION GUARANTEED by the skilled attentions of our full-trained, experienced in-house personnel, to take care of the Penitent's every need, including any or all of the following:

* Flagellation--Mild, Medium or Spine-chilling

* Cold baths--once, twice or three times daily

* Enforced Abstinence

* Bondage Scenarios--Mild, Medium or Severe

SPECIAL OFFER! REINFORCED PENITENCE PANTS--NO LEAKAGE GUARANTEED!

Our Exclusive design--as approved by the Vatican!!

(Recommended for those with particularly passionate lovers who compete with Holy Church in every possible way)

ALL OFFERS--Buy One Get One Free on any options!

Bring a friend and get 20% off!

Tax deductable!

"St Peters Prices"--for those from any office in the Vatican.


End file.
